


Love letter

by unmeiboy



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kis-My-Ft2 (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-26 16:33:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5011855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unmeiboy/pseuds/unmeiboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kitayama never thought his feelings would be returned, but the day he accidentally finds a certain text on Fujigaya's unlocked laptop, he can't help but start hoping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kitayama is used to living with suppressed feelings, almost doesn't feel them anymore because he has put them to sleep inside his chest. He used to looking at Fujigaya and telling himself that “he's just an attractive co-worker, there's nothing I feel for him but physical attraction”. And it has been so many years now that it works. He fools his mind and body into believing that Fujigaya is just lust embodied, so much that he barely even feels any lust whatsoever anymore.

At least until Fujigaya comes close. When he touches with his soft and warm hands, when he laughs right next to Kitayama, so gorgeous when he's happy; when he leans in to whisper something and all Kitayama can think of is those perfect lips so near his ear that he almost feels the heat from them. Those times his guard breaks like a dropped wine glass shatters as it hits the floor, and butterflies of every kind related to love start fluttering inside him while his heart skips a beat or two and he kind of wants to die because while it is a fantastic feeling, the feelings that overcome him later are so awful that he doesn't know what to do with himself.

Because he knows. He knows that Fujigaya will never feel anything for him. And he knows that even if Fujigaya ever would, it would likely ruin things in the end. It would ruin the friendship they have, would make things awkward for the group. Would change how he works, perhaps make him less professional. And he doesn't want any of that. So he won't let himself recognize his feelings at all. They don't exist.

But no matter how used to it he is, there are moments that make hope grow within Kitayama. Most of the time it's when Fujigaya speaks about his love life, and honestly, that happens a lot less than one would think. But when he does, he only ever talks about how bad it is. How the guy he had thought he could have dated ended up being a total jerk or how they didn't fit for each other at all and that he'd rather date one of his group members than be stuck with someone like that. Every time he does, Kitayama wants to speak up, ask him to give it a try, to date someone in the group. To date him.

That hope dies as quickly as his thoughts about confessing do, though. Because really, all it would result in would be an embarrassing silence and very awkward dancing on stage, not to mention the photo shoots in which they get squished up together in. There's only one thing that makes his subconscious hold on to the feelings his mind has been trying to deny for so long that he's starting to believe he doesn't have. One thing, that he comes across by accident.

It's a long, full day meeting concerning the upcoming single and the promotion of it; just past lunch break and Kitayama has returned early to the room they're using for planning and discussing. Surprisingly enough Senga and Nikaido are already there, playing around on the couch placed next to a window; judging by the sounds of it, Nikaido is either tickling Senga, or touching him in certain places that make him squirm like a worm in pain. They barely look up when Kitayama enters the room, but when he speaks Nikaido stops for a moment.  
“Can I use this?” he asks, points at the black laptop that's set on the table, screen dark, presumably in sleep-mode.  
“I guess? It's Gaya's, but he won't mind will he? He left it like that when Yokoo dragged him along to get food.” Nikaido changes his grip on Senga, tries to keep him still, a smirk on his face as he speaks. “If he does mind, it'll be interesting, though.”

Nikaido lets go of Senga's arms to tickle him, which only gives him the chance to move his own hands to Nikaido's wrists as he pushes him down onto his back, quickly straddling his waist and honestly, if Kitayama hadn't known them since they were tiny teenagers, he would have thought it looked suspicious, and not just a little. But he does, and he doesn't spare them another word before he sits down in front of the laptop, swipes his finger over the touchpad. It lights up immediately and it turns out it was just the screen saver that had darkened the screen, as it doesn't ask for a password.

He had intended to open a browser tab and aimlessly choose a website; streaming funny videos had been on his mind, but what he sees is a document. At first he's about to close it, or at least minimize it and leave the laptop, because really, even just the first sentence looks personal. Too personal.

_“There so much I'd like to do with you.”_

But because it looks personal, Kitayama can't seem to stop reading. As much as it makes him feel a little anxious, he can't stop there, he needs to continue. Needs to know what it's about.

_“Things like just sleeping next to you. Hear your calm breaths right there, within reach. Or have you in my arms while we sleep. Or your arms around me, I don't care._

_I want to tell you I love you, every night, and never doubt that I will get the same words back._

_Or things like looking out at the scenery of Tokyo at night, from a place where we can see far, but not far enough to see the end of the city lights. I want to stand behind you at that place, arms around your waist, and kiss you just below your jaw._

_And I want to hold you tight, and just hold, every time you need me to. And every time I need the comfort that only you can give me._

_Want to hold your hand among people, let them know that I'm yours and you're mine. Let them stare, because what does it matter to me if they don't like it? I would be perfectly happy anyway._

_Introduce you to my friends, not as a member, but as my partner. As the one that I've chosen to give my all to. If you just let me._

_Look at the stars with you, in silence, just cool night air around us. Hold you close and maybe kiss you, because there under the night skies, no one but the planets above would be watching._

_Entrust you with everything that I haven't dared to yet. Like exactly how much I actually love you._

_Want to take you to every place so beautiful that it took my breath the first time I went. Because I want to see you lose your breath at the same beauty._

_And one day, I wish I can introduce you not as just my”_

It stops there, in the middle of the sentence, and the way it ends makes it look like Fujigaya had been afraid to type it out. Kitayama thinks he knows what he wants to say anyway. But he doesn't know what to feel. Somehow, for some reason, his heart is beating a little faster and it's not because he's scared, but because those stupid feelings are overflowing again.

By the looks of it, Fujigaya seems to be interested in someone. A member. And that makes it so much more likely for Kitayama to maybe, at some point, have something more than a friendship with Fujigaya, that he's not sure what to do. He just stares at the text as if waiting for it to give him an answer, anything, while thoughts in his mind spin in what feels like a tornado.

The sounds of Nikaido and Senga in the background are loud but distant, and he jumps a little when someone leans over him and closes the lid to the laptop. When he turns his head Fujigaya comes into view, but something about him feels different. He looks serious, but not angry, only perhaps a little worried. It's hard to put into words, and Kitayama is sure he couldn't describe it because he has no idea what Fujigaya is feeling.  
“I... I didn't know you wrote poems?” he tries, tilts his head in a manner that he hopes makes it looks like that's what he really wants to ask.  
“I don't.” Fujigaya's voice is monotone, but not like he's about to start yelling. “Just something I came to think of. Might turn it into lyrics for my next solo song.” He sits down next to Kitayama, reaches for the laptop and pulls it towards himself, presses the shortcuts to lock it.  
“Taisuke does that sometimes,” Yokoo adds, sits down on the opposite side of the table, a little smile on his face. Kitayama is too busy thinking to notice that Fujigaya is smiling back, as if thankful for the further explanation.

It would make sense. It's totally the kind of theme Fujigaya often uses for solos. Unrequited love. Kitayama never does, because he doesn't want to delve too deep into his own thoughts related to said theme. But Fujigaya does, and it wouldn't have been odd. Not at all. If it hadn't been for that member part.

Kitayama just can't get it off his mind. That document, is it real? Is it Fujigaya's true feelings put into words? Or is it really just fiction to be used for creativity later, when he's in the mood for lyrics? Because to Kitayama, it had seemed so very real. Or perhaps he had thought so because he feels exactly that whenever he lets his mind free, when those little moments make his feelings blossom out inside him again. When he's alone at night and wishes for nothing but Fujigaya's warmth next to him, the familiar smell of whatever perfume he uses, the calm breaths he draws as he sleeps because as creepy as it might be, after all the time they've been working together Kitayama has learned to recognize the sound of Fujigaya sleeping.

He finds that he thinks of it all the time, every minute he doesn't have anything else to keep his mind distracted by, and by the time he starts thinking he might be going crazy he figures that he has to ask Fujigaya about it. It's kind of in the middle of the night when he decides to do it, but he figures that if he wakes Fujigaya up he'll just have to apologize, and if he doesn't wake up he'll just have to wait until morning with receiving an answer.

_“Hey uhm. This is going to sound strange, but, the poem thing. The one that's not a poem. It looked a lot like a love letter.”_

Kitayama can't bring himself to ask who it's meant for. He's not sure he wants to hear it. So he sends the message like that, hopes that what he wonders comes through to Fujigaya. When ten minutes with no answer have passed he figures Fujigaya really is asleep; even so he turns the night-mode off before he locks his phone and puts it down next to his pillow. Kitayama is about halfway to sleep when it buzzes and lights up, and he can't pick his phone up quick enough.

_“You'll be picked up at 8 tomorrow morning, like I told you yesterday.”_

Just the manager. Not even surprised at it he locks the phone again without answering to the mail. He's punctual after all, and the manager knows he'll be ready in time. He'll be sleepy, but ready.

The next time it buzzes he's actually asleep, but so lightly that he wakes up from it. It can't be the manager again. He's a lot slower when he reaches for his phone this time, but his heart starts racing when he squints at the bright screen and reads out Fujigaya's name.

_“It's not. It's not for real, okay? Why are you awake anyway”_

It makes him smile, for some reason. Fujigaya is acting just like normal.

_“Lonely. But I'll be sleeping in a minute if I try.”_

Kitayama sends it before he has the time to regret and edit. He regrets afterwards instead, hopes he doesn't come off as desperate or something. But then he figures that Fujigaya won't judge him, they've been friends and co-workers forever and Fujigaya has no idea about his feelings.

_“Same. Goodnight.”_

There's no hint to what part of Kitayama's message Fujigaya means with “same”. And with that statement, it only feels like Fujigaya has created more questions than he answered.

-

Kitayama keeps his distance, keeps his heart cool and tries to forget about possibilities. Even if there might be a possibility, it's still not good. Romantic relationships within groups can only be bad. He's dead set on that way of thinking, that it can't possibly work out, but he's no longer sure if it's because he actually thinks so, if he always has, or if it's just another excuse to reject what he really wants.

And really, it's hard to not want Fujigaya. He's cute when he's laughing, when he's playing around and joking with Yokoo, he's fashionable and stylish even when he's off work, so gorgeous anyone could melt when he's all styled with make-up on in front of a camera, and he's hot as fuck when he's dancing and singing. It's like Fujigaya knows exactly how to work his own body to the best, and does so while making it seem like he's not doing anything in particular to look good.

The days after Kitayama messaged Fujigaya in the middle of the night they're rehearsing the dance routine for their new single, Fujigaya up front because it's the theme song to the drama he has gotten the lead role for. Kitayama tries to keep his focus on himself, watches himself do the steps over and over, but no matter how hard he wills them not to, his eyes keep shifting over to Fujigaya. He has a serious look on his face, concentrating on the flow of his own body, lips moving along to the lyrics he's humming so quietly even Kitayama can't hear; he knows he does it because he has watched Fujigaya a lot more than he maybe should have. And he keeps watching, glances at Fujigaya as he dances, has to cool himself down after the hip roll he doesn't hold back at all for. It's the lust again, it's just lust and nothing else, or so he tries to tell himself. Again. Just like always.

Only it's harder now. A lot harder. Because while his mind doesn't let himself acknowledge his feelings, it also doesn't let him forget the love letter. He still calls it a love letter despite Fujigaya denying it. He'll call it a love letter until Fujigaya write lyrics to that damn solo song he excuses himself with. Until then, he will assume Fujigaya is in love with a group member, and it's so hard to think that maybe it's himself. That maybe the lust that he pushes away could result in something if he acted on it.

But he tries, does his best to ignore and to not look at Fujigaya too much, but when he glances at him, he feels like he sees Fujigaya turn _his_ eyes away from Kitayama. The first time he tells himself that his mind is playing with him, but it happens again, and again. And then they have lunch break, all seven of them get food from the catering and sit down around the table prepared for that exact purpose. Kitayama talks to one of the staff members while eating, suggests that they film the group next time they dance the full choreography, so they can check their own mistakes. He gets his own message through and the staff member starts talking about angles and if there should be more than one camera but Kitayama isn't listening anymore, just nodding while he feels eyes on him.

As he looks to the side, pretends to look for where cameras could be placed for best efficiency, but what he really does is that he checks Fujigaya in the corner of his eye. And yes, he's averting his eyes again, as soon as Kitayama's head moves. It makes Kitayama's heart skip a beat. But it also makes him sweat in anxiety. What if it really is him?

There are parts in the love letter than he has remembered, that won't leave him, as if etched into his memory. Parts that his mind tells him that they make sense, that it must be him. Even though they could probably apply to any other member, which he tries to retort with every time his brain tries to remind him of the words he had read off Fujigaya's laptop screen.

_I want to stand behind you at that place, arms around your waist, and kiss you just below your jaw._

It's so romantic. It's so romantic and cliché and Fujigaya, and Kitayama loves it. And because it is so cliché he can see himself clearly there, in Fujigaya's arms, shorter than him and that's exactly why that scenario works, at least in Kitayama's mind. Someone as cheesy as Fujigaya would totally think up a scenario like that, especially because Kitayama is shorter. Because Fujigaya is definitely the kind of person that loves being the romantic guy, the one who spoils his partner with affection to no end.

But that's not all. There's more, that's less on imagination and more what Kitayama's mind tells him is logical. 

_Introduce you to my friends, not as a member, but as my partner._

Kitayama hasn't met a lot of Fujigaya's friends. Which means he would have to be introduced. And he would be introduced as a partner, a boyfriend, rather than a member. Just the thought of meeting one of Fujigaya's friends casually, Fujigaya's hand in his, to hear Fujigaya's voice, the word _boyfriend_ followed by his own name, has his heart squeezing tight in his chest and he knows he shouldn't be imagining things like that. It will only get his hopes up higher, and he'll have a longer way to fall when he finds out the truth. That it's someone else that Fujigaya's is in love with.

Or that it really is just fiction.


	2. Chapter 2

Promotions for the new single is fit into wherever their schedules aren't already stuffed; most of them are busy with different kinds of work. Fujigaya is filming as lead character for his drama and it's a drama that airs on a weekday at nine, which means more budget but also longer time filming. And while Kitayama is happy for him, just the way he is for every member that gets drama jobs, he's also a little sad, because as always with filming, he is going to see much less of Fujigaya's face the coming months.

But on the other hand, it might be better that way. Kitayama also has a lot of things to do; he has his radio show, gets scheduled for the group radio show for more than a couple of weeks, on top of getting cast as a regular for a new variety show, and then there's all the variety he already does. His manager talks about him getting a solo corner in a magazine as well, but that won't be a huge addition to his schedule if it does comes true. He is kept busy, that's all, and while he's not nearly as busy as Fujigaya must be, he doesn't have a lot of time for himself. When he does have free time he sleeps or eats, because to be honest, there's not much else he feels like doing.

It's one of his less late nights when he straight out of the blue decides to try and mail Fujigaya. Ask how the drama is going. A normal question from a member. He gets them all the time from Nikaido when he's the one in a drama. It can't look suspicious. So he composes a short mail, just a couple of short sentences. He expects an answer in a couple hours, if Fujigaya gets to go home at all, but it comes almost immediately.

_“Filming's good. Exhausting though, but it always is. The co-stars are great. Why you wondering?”_

It is a kind of boring reply, but it still makes something jump a little inside him. Fujigaya responded to his mail that quickly, even though he's filming.

_“Bored, and a bit curious. What's your co-actress like? Pretty?”_

He feels like that's something Tamamori could ask. Maybe a bit unusual for himself, but it works. It doesn't sound forced. Probably.

_“Yeah, she's pretty. She smells nice, too? But don't ask things like that, sounds like you're expecting scandals.”_

For a moment Kitayama thinks that he has hurt Fujigaya by implying that he would be into his co-star, but he doesn't let it get to him. It's normal, he tells himself. Normal. So he just sends off another messages, asks why. And why he's so quick answering, when he's already asking things. Again, the reply comes quickly.

_“You know I'm not into girls. And I'm on break right now, the others are filming a scene I'll be in, only a lot later. Why aren't you sleeping?”_

Of course Fujigaya asks that. Kitayama can basically hear the mocking tone he would have in his voice if they had been on the phone; everyone tends to assume all Kitayama does at home is sleeping. Which isn't entirely true, but not a lot of people believe him. But he doesn't have the time to throw a comment back at Fujigaya about how at least he gets to sleep, before his phone vibrates again.

_“Sorry. I wish I was more like you, so I could sleep in places like these.”_

Kitayama doesn't really know what to answer to that. All he knows is that it makes him kind of happy to hear, even though he has heard Fujigaya say it before. He just never said it directly to Kitayama until now. But he doesn't say anything about that, just types out a good luck and goodnight, and as he half expected, he doesn't find any response to it in his phone when he wakes up the next morning.

Therefore it almost shocks him when he gets a mail the following day, in the evening, with Fujigaya displayed as the sender. There's no reason for Fujigaya to message him, so why would he? He thinks of it for a moment, then tries to focus on the variety show he's watching, but for every minute that passes he gets more and more curious. In the end he opens it, reads it, and no, there seems to not be anything odd about the content itself.

_“I don't wanna remember any more lines tonight. What's up?”_

It's such a simple message Kitayama freezes. Is Fujigaya trying to spend time talking to him, and not like, Yokoo or someone? It's weird, just weird. So he tells Fujigaya that he's watching TV, sneaks in a question about why he chose to message him instead of someone else. The answer arrives quickly again, just like the previous night, and Kitayama assumes Fujigaya is on break at the moment.

_“Because Wataru would complain about me complaining. You won't. You're easy.”_

One part of Kitayama wants to just let everything out and tell Fujigaya just how easy he would be for him, but the other part reminds him that Fujigaya only is joking, and that all he intends to say is that Kitayama is easy to talk to, doesn't make a big deal out of small things. Not that Yokoo does, probably, but Kitayama can imagine him being a little stern about doing one's job properly. Kitayama, who has filmed drama with Fujigaya more than once, knows that Fujigaya gets tired of remembering those lines, because hell, who doesn't, but even though he lets out quiet little complaints to the co-stars that he knows won't care much about it, he still does his very best. It's one of the things about Fujigaya that he likes the most, one of the things he's sure he would have the same opinion on even if he wasn't in love.

_“Easy for you, haha.”_

He looks at it, and thinks that it looks good enough, as long as he adds the same words as he did last night. Good luck, goodnight, and at the very end he types out a sleep well, hopes that it doesn't come off as creepy. Which it probably doesn't, because when he wakes up the next morning he finds a _“you too”_ in his inbox.

-

It feels like forever, but when Fujigaya's drama finally comes to an end it has really only been a couple of months, yet they've somehow become a bit closer without actually meeting each other. A few messages every night and to Kitayama, it feels like Fujigaya has kind of opened up to him, despite the fact that he hasn't learned anything new about him at all. It just feels good to communicate with him, even though he knows he shouldn't indulge in it. It can't turn out well. Because his feelings aren't easy to suppress now, no, they're harder than ever to try and forget when he does see Fujigaya. Which is about to become a lot more often now that filming is over and they have another single upcoming. Their record label just can't seem to let them get some rest, and while he doesn't mind, he's not sure his heart can handle it.

-

To be fair, he doesn't even remember whose idea it was (probably Nikaido's), but one night he's sitting in his own living room with a beer in his hand, group members loud around him while they drink. They are celebrating the finish of Fujigaya's drama and the announcement of Tamamori's upcoming one, apparently, but to Kitayama it looks more like an excuse to get drunk together. Which he doesn't complain about, it's been a while since they got together all seven of them, outside work. Plus it's kind of nostalgic to have them there in his apartment just like back before debut. Also he gets to look at Fujigaya, cheeks rosy and pupils wide, clearly intoxicated but not ridiculously so.

Senga, on the other hand, is starting to get too much. He's not even reacting when Nikaido places a hand on the inside of his thigh, and when Miyata points it out with a laugh he just shoves it away halfheartedly while he pushes at Nikaido, who laughs at him before he brings his can of beer up for the hundredth time, shouts a "cheers", doesn't care that only Tamamori and Miyata are joining him with all their might.

Fujigaya has curled up against Yokoo's side, a familiar scene that happens not only when they're drinking. He looks relaxed and happy like that, even more so with alcohol in his system, and to be honest, it makes Kitayama a little jealous. It could be him, not Yokoo, right? Yokoo is just a close friend; Kitayama could give him that closeness and more if he was Fujigaya's lover. But for that he would have to let Fujigaya know what he feels, and even though he has talked a lot more to him lately, there's no way he could do that.

Even so, a voice in the back of Kitayama's head continuously tries to convince him that he can, that tonight is a perfect night to confess his feelings, but he is pretty sure that that voice belongs to the alcohol and even if he would listen to it, he could most likely not tell Fujigaya anyway. His denial is so deeply rooted that it would take a lot more than some alcohol for him to confess, like desperation or a near-death-experience or something. Probably. So he just looks at Fujigaya, at his soft hair and full lips, smiling while he listens to the younger members making noise, mumbling things to Yokoo every now and then. And he's fine with just looking. It's okay.

“Mitsu, more popcorn!” Senga smiles at him, voice louder than it needs to be, and Kitayama rises up to grab the bowl that used to be filled with snacks. Maybe he shouldn't agree to being ordered around in his own apartment, but it's different when it's Senga. Had it been Nikaido he would have told him to do it himself, but Senga is cute and the group baby and although he used be even cuter and not as stupidly handsome when he was a teenager, Kitayama's brain still works automatically when Senga wants his help, like he wants to take care of him. Looks like Nikaido is working the same way, judging by the way he holds an arm around Senga's shoulder and steadies the can in his hand so that it doesn't spill over.

Kitayama picks up a couple of empty beer cans while he's at it, drops them into the black garbage bag he put in order before the members even got there. They make a metallic sound as they hit other just as empty cans, but it's not louder than whatever Nikaido is shouting about in the living room, so he doesn't really care. His neighbours can handle some noise once in a while, he thinks as he takes out a bag of popcorn, sticks it in the microwave and presses start.

He's leaning back against the sink as he waits for the popcorn to pop, when he hears approaching steps. It's Fujigaya, completely unexpected and Kitayama's heart skips a beat when their eyes meet because he's definitely more drunk than he had thought, and he's also absolutely gorgeous like that. He's almost a little unsteady, but has empty cans in his both of his hands, drops them into the same garbage bag and grimaces at the noise that comes from it.  
“Thanks,” Kitayama says, and Fujigaya shrugs.  
“They're playing some drinking game and had to clear the table. Didn't want to join anyway.”  
“Yeah? Had enough?” It surely looks like Fujigaya doesn't need to drink much more tonight.  
“I could drink some more. Gonna have to go home though, so I'll just not. Wanna avoid scandals.” He looks a little troubled, like he's trying to hint that he would like to get absolutely wasted and not care at all, but he's responsible. They all know he is.  
“You could stay here if you wanna get drunk for real?” Kitayama blurts out, immediately starts wishing he could unsuggest it, but it's too late.  
Fujigaya smirks and takes a step closer. “You really are easy, huh.”

Suddenly Kitayama's heart is racing as he tries to come up with a good answer, but he can't, his head is completely empty and he can't come to think of a single thing to say, except that yes, he is easy, that he would let Fujigaya do anything to him if he wanted. His saviour is the microwave, timing perfect as it beeps to tell him that the set time is over. It's easy to break the eye contact with Fujigaya now that he has an excuse to; he turns around, turns the microwave off by pushing a button before he opens it, takes the popcorn bag out. Just those few seconds are enough for his heart rate to go down, his mind to cool, and he thinks he's ready to face Fujigaya with a clever answer when he turns around again after placing the bag in a bowl to cool down a little.

But he doesn't have the time to answer at all; he freezes when Fujigaya puts hands on his shoulders, and the next thing he knows is a pair of lips against his own. They move against his, just a soft, light movement but he doesn't know what to do, if he should keep holding back or if he should just let go, grab Fujigaya and kiss him like his life depended on it. There's an explosion of emotions in his chest and he has to concentrate on breathing because it's so intense, so much; the romantic feelings mixing with fear, but not losing to it, and the attraction, doubled a thousand times now that he can't just smell Fujigaya's perfume or almost feel the warmth of his body. Now he has him right up against himself, soft puffs of breath coming from his nose as he refuses to break away, and when Kitayama realizes that he could _taste_ Fujigaya right then, his lips are parting on their own accord. And Fujigaya doesn't waste a second, licks at the edge of Kitayama's lips until their tongues meets and he presses closer. One of his hands slide from Kitayama's shoulder to his waist, pulls a little and Kitayama is fighting on the inside to hold a moan back when their hips come together. Not because it's stimulating him like that, not yet, but because it's so unbelievable and that it's reality feels so good.

He's not sure he can keep himself under control when Fujigaya breaks away, breathes out heavily against his lips before he runs his other hand up Kitayama's neck, into his hair, tugs on it to pull his head closer and then leans back in, mouth already slightly open when he presses their lips together again. The taste of beer is lingering on both of their tongues and it's a bitter reminder that Fujigaya is doing this under the influence of alcohol, but Kitayama figures that he does really care when the hand on his waist slides down to his hip, teasing at the hem of his pants. Fujigaya is doing this without being asked to, does it because he wants to, and Kitayama is going to make as much of it as he can.

Even with that said, he doesn't do anything. He just keeps responding to whatever Fujigaya does with those soft lips, turns his head when his hair gets pulled on, breathes a small moan whenever Fujigaya pulls back to breathe himself, only to go back to kissing him like it's the last thing he'll ever do. And then suddenly there's a light pressure on his legs; he realizes that it's a knee when his thighs part enough for it to fit between them. Although he prepares himself for it he can't help clutching onto Fujigaya's waist when he thrusts, just once but enough to have Kitayama feel arousal awakening inside of him, and he knows that they should stop, that they need to stop, but he doesn't want to.

Suddenly, there's a voice from the door to the kitchen. “Hey, aren't the popcorn done so-” that someone starts, and Fujigaya's leg disappears from between his, the hand in his hair is lowered, but the one on his hip stays since there's no point trying to hide what was going on. A glance to the side and he sees a confused Nikaido staring back and forth between them, then Yokoo appearing behind him. He feels his cheeks heat up, but doesn't move.  
“Taisuke, _please_ ,” Yokoo rolls his eyes. “Just because you're drinking you don't have to find someone to make out with. Get a grip.”  
“Sorry?” Fujigaya answers, but he doesn't sound very regretful. He does let go of Kitayama, though, sends him a last heated glanced before he turns around. He is about to open the refrigerator, perhaps to get another beer like nothing in particular happened, but Yokoo stops him.  
“Should you really drink more?”

Kitayama wants to offer more, wants to suggest again that he stays over. Not to make use of it, he doesn't want to get him drunk so he can get in his pants. All he wants is to kiss him again, and if alcohol could make Fujigaya take the first step it likely could do so once more. But no matter how much he wants it ask him to stay, he can't. Because he can't allow himself to hope for something he doesn't want.


	3. Chapter 3

Towards the end of the night he does ask someone if they want to stay the night, but it's not Fujigaya. It's Senga, who has had a lot more than he needed and is either everywhere at the same time, or about to fall asleep on Nikaido's shoulder, all depending on whether there's a glass filled with liquor in front of him or not. When he asks he gets a waving hand and an “I'm okay~” back, and he considers convincing Senga to stay anyway because really, he's not okay at all. He quits considering it pretty soon after he starts doing so, though, because Nikaido tells him in an almost threatening way that he's going to make sure Senga gets home just fine, complete with a glare of death. He clicks his tongue at Nikaido's unpleasant tone, but says no more. After finding him with Fujigaya (just the thought makes his chest ache pleasantly) it's not particularly odd that he's careful. He just wishes that Nikaido wouldn't think he's _that_ desperate. Sure, he might be desperate for Fujigaya, but it's not like he can't get laid if he wants to, or like he would fuck anyone just to fuck. Certainly not if it's the group baby, even though he's adult and handsome nowadays. And, although Nikaido can't possibly know that, it was Fujigaya who kissed him, not the other way around (and his chest aches even more at that thought).

So he sees the six of them out to the door, thanks Yokoo one extra time for tidying up a little and for making sure that the others at least get to the train station properly, before he starts getting ready to sleep. He's at the point of drunk when looking at yourself in the mirror is fun, when you think you look much better than you really do, and he studies his own face while he brushes his teeth. Tooth brushing shouldn't be the slightest hot, he has never understood why they do that for shoots sometimes, but when just a tiny trail of toothpaste foam escapes past his lower lip his mind is entirely filled with images of Fujigaya. His hooded eyes and that hot gaze.

He wants to tell himself to stop, but he can't, his drunken mind won't obey, and before he knows it himself, he's imagining being on his knees in front of Fujigaya, that damn hand in his hair and a thumb stroking his moist lower lip.

-

It's hard to look at Fujigaya properly the next time the whole group works together. Fujigaya greets them all when he joins them in the studio, and he seems to not be the slightest bothered by what happened in Kitayama's kitchen. Like it's not a big deal, like it's something that happens every other time he goes out, and judging by Yokoo's words that night it could very well be true. It hurts a little to think of, that maybe Kitayama is just one among many that happened to be close and convenient when Fujigaya felt like kissing someone, but then there's that voice in his head again. The one that's a lot more present lately, ever since they've been exchanging messages over and over.

_“You really are easy, huh.”_

Fujigaya had remembered that message. The one from months ago. Even intoxicated, he had remembered it. Which means he must have been thinking of it once in a while. Which in turn means that he might have figured out that Kitayama feels something for him. That he could act on it. And that perhaps, if he's lucky, it really is Kitayama that the love letter was meant for.

But that Fujigaya does nothing about it is strange. That he simply sits down next to Tamamori, acts just like normal. Listens to the camera man, suggests things, looks at the other members when they suggest things. Lays his eyes on Kitayama like the kiss never happened.

While Kitayama avoids even glancing at him. He can't not glance, but he tries not to, because it has his insides either fluttering with butterflies, or twisting in something close to anxiety as he can't for his life read what Fujigaya is thinking or doing. During the filming he tries to be like he usually is, but it's difficult to do things you're not used to paying attention to, even more so when he's aware he's on camera. Luckily there's only a few times he has to talk to Fujigaya, and those times he does it for the sake of the show, but apart from that he avoids it. Not because he can't handle it, more because he's not sure how to handle it. And he would rather give it a try when they're not in front of a TV team aiming to broadcast them on national television.

When lunch break comes Kitayama thinks he's safe, that he can sit down and think through what's going on in his head and then go back on set and maybe be a little more calm or at least focus a bit more on work. But even though he sits next to Senga by the edge of the table he looks up to see Fujigaya sitting on the opposite side, splitting his chopsticks before he starts picking at his food.

“Taisuke, it won't bite you.” Yokoo sits on the chair next to Fujigaya's, watches as Fujigaya makes a face and shoves some rice into his mouth. Kitayama sees it in the corner of his eye, doesn't look up to follow their exchange. He just zones out, eats his lunch and tries to think about the TV show he wants to watch tonight, until Senga's voice cancels out his thoughts.  
“Mitsu what's up?” he asks. Of course he notices that something is wrong. “Did anything happen?” He looks up, straight into Senga's eyes and what he sees could be that Senga knows the answer. The answer Kitayama can't voice, for his own sake, for Fujigaya's sake, and for the group's sake. So he lies.  
“Not really. Just tired.”

Fujigaya laughs at that. Fujigaya laughs and for some reason, it hurts somewhere inside him to hear. It feels like Fujigaya is laughing at his lie, as if he's laughing because he knows that it's not true and that it's all because of him.  
But his voice is gentle when he speaks. “Why don't you nap then?”

Of course he can't tell Fujigaya that he's barely been able to sleep the past nights, alone, and there's no way he'd be able to sleep with Fujigaya in the same room. Unless it'd be in his arms.

-

It's not until the end of that day that the filming ends and they get to go home. Miyata leaves with Nikaido and Senga, Tamamori has already been sat in a car and shipped off to his next location, and Kitayama hurries to get his things and get out of there before Fujigaya comes up and tries to talk to him. He's just not ready for that.

He gets as far as outside their dressing room until he hears Yokoo. And he doesn't sound happy.  
“Taisuke, you know it's your fault. Stop acting like a kid.” Kitayama stops outside the bathroom, where the voices are coming from.  
“No, _he's_ acting like a kid! I kissed him, so what? Shit like that happens?”  
“Not everyone is like you. What if he only wants to do that with someone he actually loves?”

For a moment it feels like Kitayama's heart stops, and he silently begs Yokoo not to dig further into that, because they will definitely figure it out and he wants nothing less. Probably.

“He kissed me back though. He liked it.”  
“And he's a group member and now he won't even look at you properly. What if he thinks you're in love with him or something?”  
“Please, he knows me,” Fujigaya bites back, as if the word “love” itself is offensive.  
“At least tell him you're sorry, okay?”  
“Would you want me to say sorry if it was you that I kissed? Would that make things better?!”  
“Yeah, I would. So do it.” Yokoo isn't taking a no for an answer, as much is obvious even without seeing his face. Everything falls silent for a second, then someone slams their hand on the door and before Kitayama has time to react, Fujigaya storms out of the bathroom. Their eyes meet as Fujigaya halts for a second, then breaks the contact by turning his face away, and Kitayama stays there, stunned. It had only been a very, very short amount of time he had seen Fujigaya's face clearly, but he knows that what he saw was real.

There had been tears in Fujigaya's eyes.

-

It bothers him that Fujigaya had been close to crying. Both because he doesn't like seeing his group members upset, and because it had been Fujigaya. Especially since it had been him. If Yokoo's words hurt him, it must mean that there indeed is someone he likes.

And he doesn't want to say sorry to Kitayama. He's not sorry about kissing him. Although he is aware that it could mean a lot more, his mind has already decided for him what he's supposed to believe. That Fujigaya isn't sorry because he did what he wanted to do. That he would do it again. That the love letter was meant for him.

All the way home he tries not to think of it; does his best to keep it out of his mind while he has his dinner, attempts to wash the doubt and hope away in the shower. It works decently, but then he's in bed, about to sleep, and it all comes back stronger, as if trying to think of other things has worked the completely opposite way. Because first he just considers the things he accidentally overheard earlier the same day. Fujigaya getting told off for kissing Kitayama, for fucking things up. Fujigaya getting upset. Because of the kiss.

He lets one of his fingers stroke across his lower lip, feels it tingling as he remembers the touch of Fujigaya's mouth against his, and he lets his eyes fall closed. Without even trying to stop himself he falls straight into what he can recall; a hot tongue licking at his lips until he had parted them enough, the breathy moan Fujigaya had made when Kitayama met him with his own tongue. He also remembers fingers holding onto his hair, runs a hand through the brown strands before the same hand, as if on its own accord, travels down his torso. He stops at the hem of his loose t-shirt, pushes it up to expose his skin from navel and down. At first he just ghosts his fingertips over the skin, tells himself that this is a very bad idea because he has never sunk as low as masturbating while thinking of Fujigaya before, but then he remembers the tiny, tiny roll of hips against his and his brain says fuck it (fuck Fujigaya).

Kitayama shoves his hand down his underwear, doesn't even bother pushing them out of the way, figures they will slide down once he starts stroking for real anyway. He's already hard, because his fantasies are so much more realistic now than anything he has ever dared to think up, so realistic that he couldn't stop his hand even if he wanted to when it wraps around his length, squeezes a little as he starts moving it. If he tries hard enough he can almost see Fujigaya next to himself, can almost feel his lips again, and when he imagines it being Fujigaya's hand around his cock he groans quietly, hips rolling towards his touch. He knows very well that it's his own hand, that's not what makes him react. It's the image of Fujigaya being there next to him in bed, jerking him off while just kissing him, not even particularly dirty but it's the first time he even allows himself to take his fantasies about Fujigaya into a bedroom situation. And after accidentally making out with him it's ridiculously hot, even though it's such a simple act. He wants to imagine more, like Fujigaya's soft lips elsewhere on his skin, or around his cock, but he can't even handle the thought of imagining that without squeezing tighter as his hand speeds up.

The Fujigaya next to him, entirely a product of his own imagination, ducks and lets lips connect with Kitayama's neck instead; Kitayama brushes over the spot with two of his fingers, imagines the sound Fujigaya would make if Kitayama had his hand around his cock, instead of his own, and that's it. He gasps, feels his muscles tighten, hips jerking instinctively and he's coming, his release sticking to his fingers as he continues moving his hand until his breathing evens out.

But as soon as he comes back to his senses, a wave of guilt washes over him. He wipes his hand with a tissue while mentally slapping himself, because nothing feels better now, rather worse than it had been before. After checking his phone once (no unread mails), he reaches for the covers, pulls them up and hides underneath them. As if he could escape that way. His phone is the only thing that lights up the room where it's placed next to his pillow; he notices the difference when it goes into locked move even from under the covers. What he doesn't notice is the mail he receives only seconds after the whole room goes dark.


	4. Chapter 4

With heavy eyelids Kitayama reaches for his noisy, vibrating phone, this time turns the alarm off instead of putting it on snooze. He doesn't deserve to sleep any longer; the guilt is still strong inside of him when he recalls his fantasies. Although, he can't pinpoint exactly what is so horrible about it. Probably that he gave in after so long, and that it's completely inappropriate to think about a group member like that. Even if they made out only a couple nights ago.

As the alarm screen fades out, he notices the mail notification. One new mail. Received late last night. Sent from Fujigaya Taisuke. It's short enough that it doesn't have any ellipsis indicating a continuation. Just one single word.

_“Sorry.”_

Something twists inside Kitayama, his stomach or his heart or whatever he has in there, and it's really, really unpleasant. With slightly shaky hands he slowly, slowly types an answer.

_“Don't be. I heard you. You don't have to say sorry, you know.”_

He doesn't expect an answer right away. It doesn't change that he wants one, preferably the very moment he sends his own mail off, but he doesn't expect one. And he doesn't receive one, either. Even so, he checks his phone continuously, after having breakfast, after showering, in the car on the way to work. But it doesn't come, and he knows Fujigaya is awake and not busy right now, because he's on the way to the very same studio to record the very same show as Kitayama is.

Fujigaya is stylish as always, even though he's casual between whatever interview he did before arriving at the studio; both his face and his hair looks impeccable, yet there's a stylist with him immediately, hurrying to get him ready because Kitayama is already in the clothes that have been chosen for him, ready to go onto the set. As he has nothing else to do he pretends to play around with his smartphone, although what he really does is watch Fujigaya watch himself as a hairstylist teases the tips of his already perfectly styled hair.

Then their eyes meet in the mirror, for just a split second but it still makes Kitayama look away so fast that it definitely looks suspicious. He supposes it doesn't have to be that weird; after all, Fujigaya still hasn't responded to the mail he sent in the morning. And he has to keep waiting for that answer. They do talk, but just some small talk with no particular depth, and then filming starts. They're performers, do everything like they normally would while the cameras are rolling, and Kitayama is one hundred percent sure that nothing looks out of the ordinary.

Just when Kitayama is starting to suspect that Fujigaya intends to ignore the whole thing, he suddenly speaks up. They're in the dressing room, finally left alone now that they're done with the show and have no need for stylists, or general staff for that matter. There's a tense silence between them as they change into their own clothes, until Fujigaya breaks it.  
“Are you really okay with it?” Kitayama turns around at the question, finds that Fujigaya is still facing the wall in front of him.  
“It's fine. I don't mind.” He speaks slowly, keeps his voice steady, but it takes an effort to do so. His heart is racing, like it's trying to beat its way out of his ribcage. Hopefully, Fujigaya won't notice.  
But Fujigaya turns to look at him. “You don't seem okay. I'm sorry.”

The words sting, and Kitayama bites into his own lower lip until he's calm enough to speak. Relax, he tells himself. Relax.  
“Don't say sorry.”  
Fujigaya stiffens. “What?”  
“Don't say you're sorry,” he repeats, a little faster. “It makes it sound like it was a mistake.” Kitayama has to turn his eyes away, but he still feels Fujigaya's gaze on him. Like he's trying to read him.  
“You... don't think it was a mistake?”

Kitayama's self-control snaps, and the following minute is a vibrant mix of emotions, a chaos of shame, of true feelings no longer denied, of both fear and anticipation as the words tumble out of his mouth.  
“No, I don't want it to be a mistake, I want to believe that you kissed me because you wanted to, and I don't mind because I'm in love with you and that's all I ever wanted, more than I ever dared to hope for and even if that's all I'll ever get, I don't want it to have been a mistake. Don't make it a mistake.” He doesn't dare look at all anymore, instead squeezes his eyes together and waits for Fujigaya to say something. But there's nothing, except for the sound of slow steps, just a few of them, and once they stop, it takes a couple of just as slow seconds before there's a touch to his shoulder. He looks up.

Fujigaya is an arm length away, looking at him with eyes that aren't at all disgusted, or particularly confused. He looks concerned, eyes round and wondering, but not in a negative way.  
“Then you're not okay with it, are you?” His voice is lower now, soft and gentle, and Kitayama feels the hint of tears burning behind his eyelids.  
“I am.” He tries his best to sound strong again. “We're group members. It's not like we could date anyway. Work is more important, isn't it?” His back in the same mindset, that it's not supposed to be. Somehow though, everything feels a little less heavy now that he has told Fujigaya.  
“... I guess so.” The warm hand leaves Kitayama's shoulder but the heat lingers, just like the uncertain tone in Fujigaya's voice.

-

They don't talk about it. Kitayama feels Fujigaya's eyes on him occasionally, whenever they're in the same room, but they don't talk about his confession. Knowing that Fujigaya knows makes it a little easier on Kitayama, especially since he also said what he has been thinking all the time; that they can't be, because they shouldn't, and it seems like Fujigaya agrees. Or he just doesn't want to be with Kitayama. Whichever it is, it feels okay. Not good, but okay.

Until the day that Nikaido with a strangely weak voice asks the group to stay after finishing shooting for the monthly idol magazines. The way he looks nervous makes it seem important, and in a heartbeat they all agree, hope that it's not bad news. Kitayama isn't entirely calm himself, there's something worried in his stomach that makes him unable to relax, but at least he doesn't feel as bad as it looks like Senga does. As long as it's not something horrible Nikaido has done, something that would make him leave the group, it's fine. And Nikaido would never do anything like that either, Kitayama tells himself, and he finds himself believing it. It can't be bad.

Yet the worried feeling blossoms out into some kind of strange nervousness inside Kitayama when they finally gather in the dressing room, some of them halfway through changing when Nikaido calls for their attention. He's sitting down, biting into his on lip, but then he makes eye contact with Senga and he seems to calm down a little bit.  
“There's something I need to tell you,” he turns to the rest of the members, then corrects himself, “something _we_ need to tell you.” Next Senga is facing them as well, like he's part of what Nikaido is about to admit, and it's like a wave of cold washes right through Kitayama. He feels so upset that at first he doesn't get any words out, he doesn't catch any words that follow, he's just all thoughts and he knows it's because this is _wrong_. He doesn't even have to hear what they have to say, he knows it, sees it on their nervous blushing faces.  
“You're what?” someone asks from his right, probably Miyata; he hears it like he's underwater.  
Senga repeats what Kitayama had seen Nikaido say, but not heard. “We're dating.”  
“Woah, congrats?” That's Tamamori's voice. “For how long?”  
Nikaido looks down at the floor for a second, then up, with an apologetic smile. “Half a year. Didn't want to go out with it until we were sure.”

Kitayama never hears the explanation. He snaps instead.  
“Half a year and you didn't let any of us know? You do realize how much of a mistake this is? Do you think you'll stay together forever? Will you be able to keep getting along when you break up?!”

The other members stare at him, because they've never seen him this upset, he has never screamed at someone in the group before.  
“Kitayama,” Yokoo warns him, “calm down and be happy for them.”  
He spins and glares at Yokoo. “No. They're going to fuck up the group in the end! Everything we worked so fucking hard for, what is finally succeeding after so many years, and we're going to throw that away so that those two can be happy for a shorter period of time? Sorry, no, I can't agree with that, and I'm not going to be fucking happy about it!” Kitayama doesn't even reflect over how rude he's being, not until he turns to glare at Senga and Nikaido again, finds Nikaido speechless and Senga with tear filled eyes. He's surprised to find that he's not affected by it, that he only hears his own pulse beating inside his head and he knows that he's reacting like this because it's everything that he has used as a reason to reject his feelings for years and years, and here they are, going behind his back and doing what he has worked so hard to not even think about. Frankly, he feels betrayed, and he can't stop swearing at everything and everyone, although he knows that all he's doing is insulting his colleagues and friends.  
“Kitayama Hiromitsu, shut the fuck up already,” Fujigaya roars at him when he's had enough; Kitayama flinches at his rough voice, falls silent when their eyes meet and he can _see_ what Fujigaya is thinking. “If you weren't so blind you'd realize a romantic relationship won't screw up the group, but I guess you're too up in your impossible-to-solve feelings to figure that out. Get out, come back when you're ready to say sorry to them because you are the only one here fucking things up for us right now.”

The words are harsh, but perhaps they are just what Kitayama needed to hear. He stays quiet, feels like he's still fuming but now he's the one getting glares of death from everyone except Nikaido and Senga; Senga has burst into tears and Nikaido is comforting him. What breaks the silence is Tamamori, who seems to have caught what Fujigaya was saying, and is now looking back and forth between them.  
“Gaya, is that... Is Kitayama...?”

Kitayama sends Fujigaya a look that tells him not to tell the others, then leaves without a word. He's not happy about it, not at all, not because he doesn't want them to be happy but because they have what he has denied himself even the possibility of having, for so long. But as soon as he steps into the corridor and heads for somewhere, anywhere, a bathroom or whatever, Fujigaya's words echo in his mind. He might be thinking too much about it, but it had sounded like those feelings might not actually be so impossible to solve. And if they aren't, it means that he could finally have what he has been pushing away for reasons that are no longer valid.

-

_“I just finished filming.”_

That's all the message says. Kitayama assumes it's some variety show that finished, but he doesn't ask. All he sends Fujigaya back is an _“okay”_ , and he knows it's going to get Fujigaya a little bit irritated, but honestly, he doesn't care. The past days he hasn't cared about much at all.

He hasn't been rude to Nikaido or Senga again. He has had an attitude that probably exudes that he isn't happy about it, but he hasn't been rude and they aren't hiding their relationship. The others seem happy about it, but Kitayama cann feel Fujigaya's glances at him. Not worried, but a little tense. Not so unexpected.

_“Can I come over to your place?”_

Kitayama reads the message once, twice, before he sets the phone down next to himself on his couch. There can't be any reason for Fujigaya to ask that except to talk about Kitayama's feelings. And he's not sure he wants to do that tonight, or any other night at that. It's not like he's ignoring Fujigaya; he does intend to reply, but he needs to think it through, maybe come up with an excuse, and shut up the part of his mind that wants nothing but to have Fujigaya in his apartment.

_“Seriously, reply? Or I'll just decide on my own.”_

With a sigh Kitayama picks up his phone again, taps his screen eight times before he sends the message off.

_“Go ahead”_

A dry message, and he knows that it sounds like he doesn't care what Fujigaya does; it probably pisses him off, or at least Kitayama assumes so, as his phone doesn't buzz again. In its stead the doorbell rings, within just five minutes and there's some kind of anxious fluttering inside Kitayama's chest when he heads for the door.  
“Hey,” Fujigaya says as soon as the door opens, steps inside without another word, and he looks so determined that Kitayama has to take a step back and just watch while he gets his boots off. There's dark eyes on him as soon as he steps forward from the door; his heart jumps when a hand brushes his shoulder, pushes him lightly towards the living room just meters away. He sits down on his own couch, next to where his phone has been left, hears the sound of Fujigaya's expensive leather jacket being thrown over the armrest farthest away from himself. In front of him Fujigaya is still standing, unbuttoning the cuffs of his just as stylish shirt, and for a moment Kitayama isn't sure exactly what is going on. Is Fujigaya not there to talk?

But then he sits down next to Kitayama, turns himself towards him, and suddenly he almost looks a little bit nervous.  
“I think you need to tell me what has been going on.”  
Kitayama feels a shiver go down his back. It's not the pleasant kind of shiver. “I already told you?”  
“You told me you... feel something other than friendship for me. And that work is more important. You made it sound like it wasn't a big deal.”  
“Yeah? And it isn't? I'm not even wishing for us to be something?” Kitayama can feel his own guard go up, cold and nearly impenetrable, but he doesn't fight it.  
Fujigaya's fists his hands, stares straight into Kitayama's eyes. “You are, though. Or you wouldn't have blown up like that.”

It's obvious that he's talking about Nikaido and Senga, he doesn't need to mention them because Kitayama has it just as fresh in his memory. And it sounds like Fujigaya has thought about this enough that there is no chance for Kitayama to deny it anymore.  
“For how long?” Fujigaya asks after a moment of silence.  
“What?”  
“For how long have you felt the way you do?”  
Kitayama shakes his head, but hears himself answer, like his tongue works without his own consent. “For way too long. Years, Gaya.”  
“After debut?”  
“Before.” They fall silent again.

Only within Kitayama, there is nothing that is the slightest comparable to calm and quiet; he can't make up his mind, doesn't know if he has to defend himself, or say nothing at all, or to give in and spill it all, let Fujigaya know. All the signs so far have pointed in one direction only, according to what Kitayama can remember. The love letter. The messages late at night. The kiss. The fact that he didn't regret the kiss. And that he doesn't consider Kitayama feelings impossible. And now that Nikaido and Senga have broken the ice, there is no longer any reason for Kitayama to turn down a relationship, members of the same group or not.  
“Would you give me a chance?” he whispers, almost hopes that Fujigaya doesn't hear him because if everything Kitayama has been thinking is wrong, then he will only fall further, hit the ground harder.  
“Yeah.” It's just barely more than a breath, but Kitayama hears it louder than the audience of a sold out Tokyo Dome, yet he can't believe it. “If you let me.”

Fujigaya stays at Kitayama's place that night. When he first suggests it, Kitayama starts worrying that he's only out to have sex with him, but he still lets him, because he figures that sex once can't be worse than never. But Fujigaya doesn't touch him, just crawls into bed next to him, turns off the lights and whispers a goodnight. Kitayama's mind is still a mess, a confused tangle of feelings and thoughts, worries and relief, but the slow, deep breaths coming from the opposite side of his 120 centimetre bed soothe him, and the tangle fades along with his own consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

He wakes up at half past four, according to the clock on the opposite wall, when a warm, solid heat moves next to him. At first he's startled, but then he breathes in, recognizes the smell of Fujigaya's perfume, and the memories of yesterday come floating up to settle in front of all other thoughts still spinning in his head. Then he feels a touch on his side, a light one, that takes a firmer hold on him when Fujigaya scoots a little closer. For a moment he's again scared that it's an opener for casual sex, but the hand on him lets go, drapes over his waist instead, and then there's a soft touch of something leaning against the back of his neck. He lifts his head a tiny bit, tries to blink the sleep out of his eyes enough to see clearly, and in the corner of his eye he spots the top of Fujigaya's head.

Fujigaya is sleeping. And Kitayama has to calm his heart down with deep, slow breaths, because Fujigaya is holding him in his sleep and it might actually be better than making out with him against the kitchen counter. He stays still, doesn't fall asleep but tries to stay relaxed so that he doesn't disturb Fujigaya. In the end he gets drowsy enough that he does sleep for a while, but the next time he awakes it's because Fujigaya is moving again, and it's late enough to be accepted as morning.  
“Shit, sorry,” Fujigaya mumbles as he pulls away from Kitayama, who turns around to look at him, and he has to bite his lip to not smile at how cute Fujigaya is with messy hair that appears even messier when the morning sun shines in from behind him, lights up even the smallest hairs. “I didn't...”  
“It's fine. It's not inappropriate, is it?” Kitayama hints at what they talked about yesterday, sees on Fujigaya's face that it comes through even though he's not entirely awake. But Fujigaya is Fujigaya, and Kitayama feels stupid for not expecting it when the answer he gets is a sweet smile followed by soft kiss that tingles on his lips even after they get out of bed.

-

They go out with their relationship fairly quickly. Even so it still takes a couple weeks, as with busy schedules they don't have time to meet as much as at least Kitayama would like them to; Fujigaya doesn't seem to be as impatient, but when they are together he goes all the way in. It's weird, in a way, to suddenly have what seemed so far away right next to himself, in his arms, or behind his back, under the same covers, in the same bed, but as unused to it as he is, Kitayama loves it.

It's probably the third time they go to work together from Kitayama's apartment that they decide to tell the members. A fourth time and they will suspect it anyway, Fujigaya says, and it makes enough sense to Kitayama. So he swallows his pride (he has apologized to Nikaido and Senga, but he knows they haven't forgiven him entirely) and steps into the meeting room half a step behind Fujigaya.  
“Mornin',” Miyata greets them, and the other three present members lift their heads as well. One member is missing, but Kitayama can't say he's surprised that Tamamori hasn't arrived yet; he must be working already, and yes, Miyata lets them know that he's going to come later.

Fujigaya clears his throat. “I'll let him know when he comes, then,” he starts, and that has everyone's attention within seconds. “We,” he looks at Kitayama, pushes him forward a bit, “are a couple.”  
To everyone's surprise, it's Yokoo who speaks. “What?”  
“Yeah,” and there's something fierce in Fujigaya's eyes when he looks back at his best friend. “a couple. Boyfriends. Anyway, we wanted you to know. Tama will know as soon as he gets here.”  
“Oh,” Miyata speaks up, “he probably knows. Just the other day he was guessing that's what was going on.” For a moment Kitayama is shocked, because they have been discreet, but remembers the day Fujigaya shouted at him for yelling at their youngest members. He had reacted like he understood right then, so in a way, it isn't entirely unexpected.  
“And I'm really, really sorry,” Kitayama turns towards Nikaido and Senga, doesn't dare look at them at first, but when he does he sees on them that suddenly, everything makes sense to them. “I didn't...”  
“You were jealous,” Senga breathes, almost as if in awe, then he blinks a couple times and Nikaido pushes playfully at him to make him laugh instead of burst out in tears.  
“At least his boyfriend is more attractive than yours,” Fujigaya winks, an obvious joke but Nikaido still makes a face at him and almost lets himself be comforted by Senga telling him that he loves him even though he's not the most handsome guy in the room (which is a lie as obvious as Fujigaya's joke, because there's no way that's his actual opinion).

And like that, like it was the easiest thing in the world, it's over, and despite the suspicious glances from both Yokoo and Miyata, like they still aren't believing it completely, Kitayama can probably swear that he has never been as happy at work as he is when Fujigaya sits down next to him and entwines their fingers under the table.

-

“Mitsu,” Fujigaya purrs when he crawls into bed one late night, Kitayama already half asleep; still conscious enough to feel the water that drops onto his face, though. He opens his eyes to find Fujigaya straight above him, the tips of his hair wet even though he seems to have dried it with a towel after showering. With one hand moving to the arm Fujigaya is holding himself up on he lets him lean down and press their lips together, but it's only a quick kiss before he moves on to Kitayama's neck, mumbles against it. “Mitsu, I'm horny.”

It's not that it's an odd thing to say to your partner. Kitayama does stiffen, but it's because it's the first time Fujigaya says it to him, and because they haven't gone all the way with sex yet. And he's been surprised that Fujigaya hasn't initiated more of it, he would seem like that kind of person, yet all there's been is mutual handjobs, once, but to be fair Kitayama doesn't mind. He wants to, but he's not in a rush, they have both been busy and the kisses are still more than he could ever have imagined.

“Yeah?” he answers, rolls onto his back properly and pushes the covers aside so he can run a hand up Fujigaya's side. Letting his eyes sweep over what he can see of Fujigaya he notices that he is wearing his underwear, but the gasp he lets out when he slides fingertips down just slightly past his belly button gives away that he's already turned on. “I've got things. You wanna do it?”  
“I'm at least going to suck you off,” he returns, and Kitayama has to assume that it'll go further than that unless he says he doesn't want to. Fujigaya's enthusiasm is somewhat reassuring, because this is the Fujigaya he had expected. The one that's cute and romantic, confident, and likes sex, a lot.

There's another heat in his kisses when Kitayama gets a hand around him, a lot like that time in the kitchen but even more intimate, and he relishes the sounds he makes, the way he breathes. He assumes he's the same, but doesn't keep that thought in his mind once Fujigaya stops kissing him and puts his mouth to work further down. He keeps his promise, sucks while he prepares Kitayama with lubed up fingers, and when Fujigaya pushes into him, Kitayama's body is so hot, inside and out, that he thinks he might be about to explode.

-

Kitayama leaves the photo shoot set to find his group members in a surprisingly quiet dressing room; turns out that Nikaido and Senga have already left for their shoots. Yokoo is reading and Miyata playing his DS while Tamamori and Fujigaya occupy one couch each, both seemingly asleep. It's without thinking that he gently lifts Fujigaya's head so that he can sit down before he lets it lean back against his right thigh, and Fujigaya doesn't say anything, doesn't even open his eyes.  
“Tired?” he asks, knows that he won't get any answer because Fujigaya has earphones plugged in which means he's listening to music, but when he strokes the back of his head, he opens his eyes. For a moment he almost looks a little irritated, but then he relaxes into the touch and closes his eyes again, like he decides that at least it's a comfortable way of being disturbed.

He lets him stay like that, knows that Fujigaya needs his sleep, or at least rest, but only until he decides it should be enough. Slowly he strokes the back of his fingers along Fujigaya's cheeks, one at a time, pulls the earphones out when he reaches his ears, and Fujigaya blinks up at him.  
“Why don't you sleep at my place instead?” Kitayama mumbles, knows that Fujigaya catches the words but that the others might not. “I'll make dinner or something.”  
Fujigaya sits up, leans in to press a quick kiss to his cheek; behind him he sees Yokoo glancing at them. “I'm waiting for Wataru, we're going to-”  
“It's okay, just go.” Yokoo is speaking from the opposite side of the room, eyes still in his book even though he must have noticed that Kitayama saw him looking before. “I know you want to. I don't mind.”

For a moment Fujigaya looks like he's about to protest, and that in itself isn't weird; it's his best friend and it must feel like he's letting him down to be with his boyfriend instead. It warms Kitayama's heart when he doesn't, though, when he lifts his hands to fix his slightly messy hair, then stands up and gets his things. And when they head home earlier together, perhaps that's the first time that he feels like Fujigaya has chosen him, for real.

-

Gradually, they become more comfortable at work. Not at the constantly-stuck-together level of Nikaido and Senga, and not as sweet as them either. But they touch each other in a fond way, sit next to each other with one of their arms around the other's shoulders, Kitayama sleeps on Fujigaya's shoulder when he gets the chance. They exchange little kisses when no one is watching, or at least no one except the group members, and Kitayama is happy. It's not like they don't get to hear what the members think about it, but it's most of the time not a big deal.

“It's just so weird to see you... like that,” Tamamori had tried to explain, and Kitayama hadn't been the slightest surprised. He hadn't seen it coming either. Most of the members had expressed similar opinions, but not all.

Yokoo, accepting as he is, hasn't said either bad or good things about them. Kitayama assumes it's because he doesn't find it to be his business, and while he doesn't completely agree, they are a group after all, he doesn't really mind. He does feel Yokoo's eyes on them, though, when they get a little extra touchy. Like he's annoyed.

Because sometimes it gets a little out of hand. Not so that others can see it, but they can certainly sense it. Kitayama likes to touch Fujigaya. To tease. He has learned where Fujigaya's sensitive spots are, the ones he can reach without undressing him, and he plays with that knowledge sometimes. The one on his neck, below his ear, by his hairline, where his skin is thin and soft, or along his ribs, just a fleeting touch will have him shifting. His collarbones, when he wears shirts with a wider necklines, or the best of it all, if Kitayama has put marks on him; to press on them, just hard enough that it hurts a little, and the change will be visible in his eyes.

And when it really gets out of hand, he finds himself being directed to a bathroom, Fujigaya close behind, not caring the tiniest bit about if the members understand what's going on, and when the door locks, he's pressed against the wall with Fujigaya's lips on his own.

-

He starts to suspect that Yokoo isn't actually fine with their relationship when he finds Fujigaya at his doorstep one night, barely getting his shoes off before he throws himself at Kitayama, mouth hot against his. It's obvious that he doesn't want to talk, so obvious that Kitayama uses his strength to push Fujigaya back. He doesn't let go, but he holds him on a small distance, just a couple decimetres, because he can see that he isn't okay.

Fujigaya has had the afternoon off, and he's been out with Yokoo for the first time in a little while. That's why Kitayama can tell that while he doesn't want to, he probably needs to talk. Never, ever would he think Fujigaya would arrive at his apartment looking only for sex after having spent time with his best friend. It's just not natural, not Fujigaya.

“What's up?” he asks, and he sees something in Fujigaya's eyes that he doesn't like. Pain.  
Fujigaya tries to move in again, but Kitayama is stronger. “Fuck me,” he demands, and that just makes it weirder. Fujigaya never asks for it like that. And Fujigaya normally prefers to be on top.  
“No,” Kitayama refuses. “Tell me what's wrong.” At that, Fujigaya's shoulders sink visibly, he looks away, downwards, and sighs.  
“I just want you to hold me.”

So Kitayama does. He hugs him tight for a long couple of minutes, brings him to bed after getting ready, pulls him close and keeps an arm around his bare waist.  
“Did something happen with Yokoo?” he whispers, and Fujigaya lets his eyes close, as if he doesn't want to think about it.  
“Not really.” His breath tickles Kitayama's skin, warm but uncertain.  
“So nothing is wrong?”  
Fujigaya shakes his head. “He's not happy.”  
“Is he... jealous?” Kitayama asks, because that's the only reason he can possibly think of. That maybe Yokoo is upset that Fujigaya no longer spends as much time with him. It's not an odd reaction, and to be fair, they used to be so close that even the members could have assumed that they were dating, or at least having a thing. Of course that would change when Fujigaya got a real relationship, and of course it would be hard to adapt in the beginning. If anything, it is a little strange that it's Yokoo, because Yokoo has never seemed to be that kind of person, but then again, something like this has never happened, nothing that he has been able to witness this closely.

Fujigaya never answers the question, and Kitayama takes that as a yes.


	6. Chapter 6

It's after that, that Fujigaya starts choosing Yokoo over Kitayama. Which Kitayama doesn't mind, at first, because he agrees that friends should be prioritized over lovers, in most cases. After all, if his relationship was to end, a thought he doesn't want to think of but has considered many times in his life, he would want to have his friends and their support. And he assumes that Fujigaya thinks the same.

Also, he would never want to split Fujigaya and Yokoo up. Their friendship is theirs, and he has nothing to do with it unless it's for group purposes. So on one hand, he's happy when Fujigaya takes more time to be with Yokoo. He can see it on them as well, especially Yokoo, he's seems visibly happier when Fujigaya accepts his invitations for shopping or movies or whatever it might be.

But on the other hand, he starts feeling a little lonely. They're both very busy, it has been hard to fit in private time into their schedules from the beginning, but Kitayama starts feeling like if he doesn't actively ask Fujigaya to be with him, he doesn't make time for him. As though Fujigaya either has no perception of balance, or that he doesn't want to be with Kitayama, that he prefers Yokoo's company over his boyfriend's. Some weeks he barely sees Fujigaya's face – not that odd considering their jobs, but then he hears about the dinner he had with Yokoo the other day, a day they could actually have done something together.

Still, when Fujigaya crawls into bed next to him, everything is fine. He's there, warm and reassuring, skin against skin, calm breaths and whispered words, and he forgets about feeling put aside. At least for a while.

-

He tries to be patient, tells himself that Fujigaya just needs to redeem his time with Yokoo, that it will go back to feeling like he's not the one that gets chosen when the first choice is busy. He's able to stand it for a month or so, but when Fujigaya shows up at his apartment late one night, happily telling Kitayama about his day and the fantastic dinner he had with Yokoo, something just snaps. Maybe it shouldn't, maybe he's far too sensitive, but he can't help it. He speaks up.  
“What am I to you? Really?” he asks from the kitchen table as he puts his phone down.  
Fujigaya looks perplexed. “You... are my boyfriend? My colleague? A big part of my life?”  
“Pity he gets more of your time, then.” Kitayama is aware he sounds annoyed, but it's the truth. He is annoyed.  
“... Are you talking about Wataru?” Fujigaya looks hurt, but there's something else written on his face too. Insecurity, if Kitayama isn't mistaken. “I...”  
“You what?”  
“I don't want you to bring him into this.”  
“Why not? I think he's a very big part of why I feel set aside.” He waits until Fujigaya has sat down right in front of him. “Did he tell you he was jealous or something?”  
“Not really. He did say he missed doing things with me.” Not that odd. But Kitayama continues anyway.  
“So you threw everything else aside to be with him?”  
“Not everything,” and now Fujigaya sounds pleading. “You're the one I... I always come back to you?”  
“You know what you're making it sound like?” He pauses, sees the insecurity grow in Fujigaya's eyes.  
“Like I'd rather be with him.” Fujigaya pushes the words out of himself, breaks their eye-contact to look away. “But that's not true, you want me, you _love_ me, and...”

A heavy stone finds it place hanging from Kitayama's heartstrings, making him feel heavy on the inside, like his heart might be about to burst but not quite. Because he realizes what's going on.  
“And he doesn't. That's what this is about, isn't it? You're in love with him. Not me.”  
“Mitsu, no, I... I would never, never get into a relationship without any feelings. Believe me.” Part of Kitayama does believe him, because all this time and Fujigaya hasn't had any steady partners. Perhaps there is some kind of romantic feelings for him somewhere in there. However it cannot change that they are most likely over-shadowed.  
“If he told you he wants you, what would you do? Would you stay with me?”  
“That is not a fair question.”  
Kitayama knows, but he also thinks he sees the answer on Fujigaya's face. “Would you?”  
“He wouldn't, though.”  
“So you're with me because he won't.” Silence. “Get out of here, please.”  
“Are you breaking up with me?”

That is the only thing that makes Kitayama feel a little better. The tone in Fujigaya's voice as he asks that question, because he genuinely sounds like he doesn't want them to break up.  
“I don't know. Just get out.”  
Fujigaya is already on his feet when he answers. “I'll tell him what I feel.”  
“Yeah go ahead, maybe you'll finally be able to let go when he tells you no.” He says it with sarcasm turned all the way up, because hell, no one would refuse if Fujigaya Taisuke would confess his love to them, yet he knows that somewhere inside of himself, he's wishing for it.  
“Maybe. Maybe that's what I need. I was getting certain, though. That I'll never be happy with him like I am with you.”  
“Shut up.” It comes out a bit too rough, but Kitayama can't handle Fujigaya's sappy romance in a situation like this. And although he's content to hear footsteps die out and his front door close, he doesn't sleep a lot that night.

-

A tense couple of days follow, days that slowly, slowly turn into one week, and they don't speak more than necessary. Kitayama wants to, finds himself with fingers on his phone screen, ready to send him a message but stops himself as soon as he realizes it. Not because they've broken up; he still doesn't think they have. He hopes they haven't. It's a vague situation, but it had seemed on Fujigaya like he wasn't happy about the outcome, either. The reason he doesn't send him anything, is because he wants to give him time, as though he wishes that Fujigaya will realize what he's losing once it's gone. Even if it's only temporarily.

So when his phone buzzes to alert him of a mail (and his heart skips a beat) and he finds that it's Fujigaya's name on the screen (his heart skips another beat), he's at first not sure if he wants to open it. But he does, and there's three small words on the screen, words that make him even more uncertain.

_“I'm so sorry.”_

Kitayama freezes completely, can't seem to move, because he has no idea what Fujigaya is apologizing for. Is it for how he acted before? Is he trying to make up? Or is it over, did Yokoo agree to being with him? He had counted on Fujigaya to at least not be cryptic, to say it straight to his face if he wants to end what they have, but this tells him nothing, except that Fujigaya is regretting something.

He jumps a little when the phone vibrates again, and he exhales a breath he wasn't aware he was holding when he opens it. They are okay. Kitayama is okay. As okay as he can be, when Fujigaya isn't.

_“Help.”_

It takes him less than a couple of seconds to decide what to do, subconsciously more than not so; he closes his mail app and dials Fujigaya. He would rather hear his voice than read what he has to say, and when Fujigaya picks up he's a hundred percent sure he made the right choice.

All he hears is elevated breathing and sniffling sounds, and he waits. While he doesn't check the clock, Kitayama is quite sure five minutes of silence passes before Fujigaya even tries to speak, and when he does, his voice is thick with tears.  
“I...” he starts, pauses to cough once, “I told him.”  
“Yeah?” Of course he did.  
“He said he'll never see me in that way.” If it's the way Fujigaya says it, or the words themselves, Kitayama isn't sure, but it stings inside of him to hear. He can only imagine if it had been himself hearing those words; he'd be in the same state as Fujigaya currently is, without any doubts, at least after having gotten his hopes up. He supposes that's what has happened. That Fujigaya started hoping when Yokoo demanded his attention.

Which burns in his heart to think about; if Fujigaya started hoping for it even though he had decided to be with Kitayama, then what does Kitayama mean to him? Yet he also understands, in a way, because he recalls the times he has dated others, despite his feelings for his group member, and he knows that had he had a partner that time in the kitchen, when Fujigaya kissed him like his life depended on it, he would have thrown it all away if Fujigaya had just asked him to. And Fujigaya hadn't even demanded his attention like Yokoo must have.

The crying doesn't cease; if anything it grows stronger as Kitayama stays silent, and he makes another drastic decision.  
“Taisuke, can I come to your place?” At first he only gets sniffles back, then a low hum, and he assumes it's an agreeing one.  
“Please,” and Fujigaya's voice breaks as he speaks.

Kitayama is already on his way out the door when he hangs up; he suggested that they stay connected over the phone, but Fujigaya had disagreed. The ride to Fujigaya's place seems like it takes forever, yet he's there within thirty minutes and when he lets himself inside the apartment, he's met by red, swollen eyes. No tears, but he has never seen Fujigaya this miserable and it twists something inside of him so much that he barely gets his shoes off before he's pulling him into an embrace.  
“Shh,” he whispers as Fujigaya breaks out into tears again, sobbing against the side of Kitayama's head. “Come, talk to me.”

Although it's Fujigaya's apartment it's Kitayama that leads him to the couch, wipes his cheek with his thumb when it's obvious that he's trying to stop crying.  
“I told him,” Fujigaya says again, just like on the phone, but this time he doesn't stop there. “I told him that I have had feelings for him. That I still do, to some extent.”  
“I know.” It hurts to agree, but he wants Fujigaya to keep on talking.  
“And he doesn't. I knew he doesn't. But I thought that if I heard him say it, I could be able to take that final step. Like you said.”  
“Can I ask you something?” When Fujigaya nods, he continues. “What do you feel for him? Right now?”

There's a longer silence before he gets any answer; as if Fujigaya is thinking of a way to tell Kitayama without hurting him too much. And that's exactly why he's surprised when he hears it.  
“I was in love with him. I _was_. But I constantly tried to move on. Really. And then, when we finally got into this, something steady, something safe and secure that felt good in all ways, that's when he came wanting my attention. And I just couldn't tell him no, you know?”

It hurts, but at the same time Kitayama understands. If you've loved someone, there is usually some kind of affection for them left in your heart, unless they've hurt or traumatized you. And it lingers more if it happens to be a person you never got to be with, because it doesn't get to a final point if you're the only one. If it hadn't been for that, Kitayama would have been over Fujigaya years ago.  
“It just felt so unfair.”  
Kitayama can't entirely hide the bitterness in his voice. “It was unfair.”

Again, to his surprise, tears start running from Fujigaya's eyes; he hides his face in his hands as he sobs.  
“I was shocked you even read my message,” he admits, voice weaker than Kitayama has probably ever heard it. “I almost thought we were over.”  
“Of course I'd read it. I care about you.” He lays an arm around Fujigaya's shoulders, carefully, but when he doesn't shy away from it, he pulls him a little bit closer.  
“I,” Fujigaya tries to wipe his face dry with his sleeve, “I don't want to lose you.”

And it hits Kitayama that Fujigaya isn't crying because Yokoo has broken his heart. He's crying because he's afraid.  
“Baby.” It's entirely without thinking that he speaks, that he pulls Fujigaya into his arms and lets him sob against his shoulder. “Getting rid of me isn't that easy.” They stay silent for a moment, as silent as it gets when Fujigaya won't stop shaking. “You know, I believed you. When you said you wouldn't get into a relationship without feeling anything.”  
“I wouldn't,” Fujigaya whispers as he pulls back, “but even if you were told that, I'm sure most people would...”  
“Well, I'm not most people. Maybe I'm easy, but as long as you want me, I'm yours.”  
At that, Fujigaya smiles a little. “Yeah. You are pretty easy.”

It's just a hint of happiness, but it means all the difference to Kitayama when that hint blossoms out into a fuzzy warmth inside his chest, and he knows that even though it has been painful, he'd rather get past it with Fujigaya by his side, than without him.  
“I trust you,” he repeats as leans back, “but I've still been hurt. I just... I don't want to have been hurt for nothing.” It's as if those words flick a switch inside Fujigaya, and although still red and irritated, there's a strength in his eyes.  
“I'll prove it to you.” A part of him wants to sigh, because Fujigaya is such a hopeless romantic, but it's that romantic he also happens to be hopelessly in love with.


	7. Chapter 7

It's not like they go on pretending nothing ever happened. The members all know that something has been wrong, but as they start communicating like they used to in front of them, they seem to accept it without any explanation. Yokoo knows, of course, and lightens Kitayama's heart to see that he isn't acting any different in particular. He doesn't ask Fujigaya to spend time with him, but he also doesn't say decline just to do so when Fujigaya wants to hang out with him. It is probably what's to be expected of Yokoo, to be respectful, but it feels good to notice it, especially since it seems like Fujigaya is thankful as well.

_“You're asleep somewhere aren't you”_

Kitayama checks his phone when he gets off the set, finds a message that he's not sure he should be feeling like laughing at. It's past midnight, but they're at a filming studio recording their upcoming PV and they've been there since early morning; he could really use a nap, and it's just kind of fun that Fujigaya knows exactly what he's thinking.

_“You miss me already, or what?”_

He sends the message as he heads for the dressing room, expecting to find Fujigaya there; all he finds is Nikaido out cold on a couch, and Senga massaging his own neck with a tired look in his eyes. The rest of them are still by the set waiting for their solo filming, except Fujigaya, who was first out and is now gone.

_“I'm on the rooftop”_

It's not an invitation by definition yet it's clear that he wants Kitayama to come, and although that nap is very tempting he chooses to go find Fujigaya. He takes the elevator as far up as it goes; then the final stairs until he arrives at a door that can only lead to the rooftop. As he steps out the night air hits his face (summer is over and it nearly gets chilly in the night), and he closes his eyes, draws a deep breath before he even starts looking for what he came for.  
“Come,” a soft voice says, makes Kitayama open his eyes to find Fujigaya standing by the edge of the building, leaning against the railing, facing away from him. With slow steps he walks over; enjoys the weak wind in his clothes, cooling him down after dancing under heavy lighting. He stands beside Fujigaya, looks out over Tokyo, at all the lit-up buildings hinting that they are not the only ones still working, the colorful signs revealing that there's people awake and having the time of their lives.  
“I never really get tired of it.” Fujigaya says it as though he knows what Kitayama is thinking. “It's beautiful. From far away, it looks kind of like a starry sky, reflected.” He hums in response, has never thought about it like that, but now that he does, he can kind of see it.  
“Only there's no stars to reflect here,” Kitayama adds, and there's a quiet laugh coming from beside him. “Did you want anything special?” he continues, teases a little because he has an idea what Fujigaya had in mind when he mailed him from the very same building; gets it confirmed when he drapes an arm around Kitayama's waist to pull him closer.  
“I wanted a kiss,” and he's barely a centimetre from Kitayama's lips when he finishes speaking, then closes the distance entirely. It's just a soft and calm kiss, both of them are tired but it's more for comfort and closeness, without any particular purpose. “Happy now,” he whispers as he breaks away, sounds satisfied with himself, and had he had any energy, Kitayama would have shoved playfully at him, but all he does now is lean against his shoulder, lets himself relax some more when he feels Fujigaya's breath in his hair.

“Hey, I was thinking,” Fujigaya breaks their comfortable silence, “we have a couple days off after New Year, don't we?”  
“Yeah, should be at least two. Why?” Kitayama straightens up a little, looks up at Fujigaya now that they're having an actual conversation.  
“You wanna go on a trip? Take a break from real life?”  
“Just us two?” Fujigaya nods. “Sure. Where do you wanna go?”  
“There's a place I like that I want you to see.” As he speaks he repositions them, puts himself behind Kitayama, locks his hands together in front of him; it's easy to just lean back against him, let his warmth sink through clothes to heat his skin. “A place that has real stars.”

-

It's even colder when they get off the train in Sapporo just a month later, arriving at night for rehearsal in Sapporo Dome the following day; concerts the days after that. All seven of them shiver in their thin jackets, Tamamori pulling his leather one closed but refuses to zip it up, Nikaido is complaining out loud, and none of it is to Kitayama's surprise, except the hand that finds his own, links them together in a way that they have never done in front of anyone that isn't Duet's camera men.  
“It's not _that_ cold,” he hisses, assumes that's why. Because Fujigaya would totally do something like that.  
But he just shrugs in response. “Maybe I just wanted to hold your hand.”  
“Stupid romantic,” he mutters back, but doesn't pull away; squeezes a little instead.  
“Yep,” and he blows Kitayama a kiss accompanied with one of those ridiculous winks, forces Kitayama to act like he's being grossed out and when they end up laughing, Senga turns around and pretends to be scandalized by their hand-holding.

“What if someone walked by? You'd be found out immediately.” Tamamori scolds them when they get to the hotel; he's the one that gets bothered by paparazzi more often than any of them, can't even let himself be seen with his girlfriend when he does have one, holding hands or not.  
“We'd just have to walk closer than.” Fujigaya seems to wave it away with a joke, but then he becomes serious. “There would be rumors, but honestly, would anyone believe it?” At that, Tamamori doesn't respond. They all knows it's true. “Seriously, as long as they don't get us on camera, as long as we don't like, kiss in public, the only thing it'll do is make us sell more.”

It's almost sad to hear it in that way. That what they have, to others, might seem like a sales trick. But then again, Kitayama figures, what's important is that they know what they feel, and that they are happy. And he is, he's happy in a way that almost makes him feel ridiculous, since it's all because a silly, public display of their relationship.

-

Kitayama is so up in the sound of his acoustic guitar that he doesn't notice Fujigaya unlocking his door and entering his apartment until he's walking past right in front of him, sits on the couch as he listens.  
“Writing something new?” he asks when Kitayama pauses, a question that isn't particularly odd considering the blank note sheets on the living room table. They're only there in case he comes up with something, though, with no actual intention to write.  
“Not really,” he replies, picks up a different melody with a smile on his lips, “just playing for fun.” It takes a couple of chords and a few pointed glances before Fujigaya seems to get a hang of what he's playing.  
 _“Love you with all my heart,”_ he hums, slower than in the original because Kitayama is just guessing on this one, but it makes both of them burst into laughter once he's done and Kitayama accidentally plays out of tune.  
“Sorry,” he laughs, and Fujigaya shoves at him.  
“ _That_ was so cheesy,” but he's laughing, one of those genuine laughs that could probably make anyone smile just from looking at it and he's so gorgeous. Which Kitayama doesn't say, instead takes a new grip on his guitar and starts playing something more up-tempo, something that both of them have heard played like this before. Four rhythmical strokes, so familiar to both of them that they continue with the lyrics timed perfectly with each other.  
 _“Show me your fire,”_ and although it's a joke, both of them act on the theme of the song, try way too hard to be sexy, and they just end up laughing even harder.

“I'll show you my fire for sure,” Fujigaya gets out once they calm down, still mostly joking but he switches moods so quickly that Kitayama barely has the time to put the guitar down on the floor before he has him on top of him, a hand up his shirt and lips hot on his own. That they end up in bed is inevitable, and Kitayama only considers them lucky that Fujigaya got there late, because once they are done there's no way he's getting up, not even for food.

Because nothing beats how Fujigaya kisses him softly as he cleans both of them up, how he crawls back into bed, pulls the covers up over them and plays absentmindedly with his hair as he mumbles about what he has done during the day, even though he knows Kitayama is only listening with one ear; how he stops talking when he realizes Kitayama's so close to sleep that he won't remember it anyway. And the arm pulling him close, the last three words Kitayama hears before he falls asleep that night, the same words that he manages to return, is exactly what had been the beginning to it all.


End file.
